Journal Writing Experience

Keeping a reflective journal has taught me so much about myself...some things I appreciate more than others...but oh well...what we learn is what we learn...we can't really pick.

Writing has made me realize that for so many years I have 'subdued' myself & my truth for the fear of being rejected/pushed away/fired...etc. Too many times I have suppressed my thoughts and my feelings thinking "it's ok...", "it doesn't matter..." when in reality I knew things were NOT OK...and DID MATTER...at least to me. 

I now realize that these behavioural patterns I created to 'survive' in this very competitive world, played a big role in squishing me into boxes I felt 'suffocated' by. And somehow, these behaviours, succeeded in making me become 'less visible'... quite the paradox for someone who is working and living as a professional performing artist. 

But where has the person behind the artist gone?

Picture by Bernd Hentschel

Even if I never truly felt like an empty shell...I somehow behaved that way as an act of self-protection. Was it worth it? Justifiable?

And now that I am aware of it...what will I do about it? HOW can I use this information as a pedagogue, to avoid that my students feel the need to do the same to navigate the professional world?

I was surprised to realize how I unburdened myself of my part of responsibility in my predicament. Feeling powerless made me feel without options. But that was probably never the truth. 

By now acknowledging, that I do hold power in my interactions, I now realize that I can start acting on things. 

Through reflective writing, I have come to the understanding that power dynamics are central to my interest in observing how human interactions shape the world in which we live in. We all play roles in our daily life that are either hindering or supporting communication, whether we are aware of it or not.